Seasons With Grief

"I had no idea with grief comes fear. A terror that swoops in from nowhere. You fear the future, you fear the now. You are left feeling like an innocent child, wanting to be rescued, needing to be protected, longing to be hugged. Who knew grief looks like this..." Zoe Clark-Coates

It is my favorite season of the year--FALL!! I love fall for so many reasons. I absolutely love anything pumpkin!! If it has pumpkin in it, I'm eating it!! I could lose myself right now in a pumpkin roll! I love fall decor, the colors of the leaves, the cooler temperatures, and I love everything about Thanksgiving! It is also when I got married, which gives me even more reasons to love it. Fall is definitely my happy time, but I have to be honest. This year is a bit of a struggle because I have been dealing with grief. It just sneaks in uninvited and STAYS! The quote above describes the feeling so well.

It has been almost 5 months since my mom passed away, and it has been almost 3 and a half years since I lost my dad. I learned with my dads passing that grief seems to raise its head with the changing of the seasons, and I am finding it to be no different now that my mom is gone. I think when seasons change it is normal to have memories of past seasons fill your mind. When fall rolls around I think of my wedding day, football games, Thanksgiving dinner, the fair. The list goes on and on, and it is the same no matter what season is coming up. Your mind doesn't just fill with the memories of events though. It fills with the memories of events and days filled with people we love. That's when grief pops it's head in. I am thinking about mine and my moms love for decorating for the fall, driving down the road and my mom constantly pointing out the colorful leaves on EVERY tree, the memories of the state fair when I was growing up and then the county fair once we had our girls, and my wedding day and all she did to make it the most perfect day for me. It's like the memories flood your soul!

Then, as if the memories aren't enough, the new season reminds me that I will make new memories without either of my parents now. What is this even supposed to look like??

I'm facing the unknown. I will be honest and tell you that I felt these emotions stacking up, and I did my best to push them to the back of my mind for a while. You know---I was too busy, too much on my mind, had a lot going on, etc. You can only do that for so long. Then the emotions become stronger than any wall you could ever build. So, recently I gave in to the grief this season is bringing and let it have its proper place. It was so exhausting and draining, but it is part of the journey. I learned a long time ago that Ulcerative Colitis is directly related to the suppression of emotions. Holding in any kind of emotion will only make me feel worse and possibly cause a flare. This may be true of a lot, if not all diseases. Bottom line--it's just not worth it! So, there you go. Cry it out!! Ugly cry if you need to. Accept your grieving as part of your journey. Find professional help if you need it. There is no shame in that!! Just DON'T YOU DARE hold it all in and let it build up!!! In the long run it will be healing.

Fall 2019 is here and there is nothing else to do but to embrace the new and move forward making the most out of life and making the best memories possible with my family and friends. That is exactly what my parents would want me to do!!

Grief is part of my journey, but it is not a place to stay!